You're the most beautiful and the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I love you so much.

Tonight everything is perfect.

I'll always remember this moment. After a very long and fun-filled day at the 'Children's Party', you came home with me, exhausted, while Dad went to continue the party at a friend's house for the night.

Far be it from me to blame Dad. He needs these little moments between 'chumies', and the opportunity rarely arises.

It's not that, it's just that It's just that tonight, it's hitting me hard. Like a 16-year-old missing the party of her life because she's being punished for disobeying.

Tonight you're the best thing that ever happened to me

Because after coming home to an exhausted you, we had a nice hot bath together. I cut your hair tenderly, then we went to sleep - and I gently breathed in your baby smell, fresh from the bath. I put my lips tenderly on your chubby little hands and felt all the love it was possible to feel in a few seconds. A love that was unconditional and terribly painful. I wept with joy.

Tonight, you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Because every time I meet your sky-blue eyes, I'm afraid I'm going to lose you or suddenly fade away. When I tenderly place my lips on your chubby little hands, I also cry with fear in my stomach. The feeling is too strong to explain.

Then sometimes, when I'm just too tired, I get nostalgic for the life I used to have - the life where all I had to worry about was myself, my integrity, my freedom, my appearance... I become selfish, because tonight I have once again sacrificed the daughter, the woman I am, for the mother I have to be.

I look in the mirror and I don't see anything very interesting. Some might say I underestimate myself, but for the life of me, I can't work out where I escaped. At what point exactly did I stop being in tune with myself, my body, my will. When I gave up on myself.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer this will go on. Is this normal? Am I being too demanding? Am I crazy?

And then I come to.

You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

One thing....

That's not it.

You are the most beautiful being. The most vibrant, magical and flamboyant. Never before I met you had I smiled or cried so much. Never before had I loved you so much. Not a day goes by when I don't discover the beauty of the universe through your blue eyes.

You are my son, my baby, my boy.

I love you and I always will.

Don't worry, baby. Mummy's here.